


Phillip Is Definitely Not Okay

by GrungeBlogHarry



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Homophobia, Honestly he really goes through it in this, Idk why I torture myself like this, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Phillip is struggling, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 21:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8817196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrungeBlogHarry/pseuds/GrungeBlogHarry
Summary: Basically a fic about Phillip struggling with his past and coping in a super unhealthy way. I suck at summaries but please check it out!





	

Phillip hands trembled as he reached for the kitchen sink's faucet. He was freaking the fuck out and had zero control. He always had no control. Always. Everyone always made decision about his life . And those usually ended up making his life even more of a living hell.

He attempted to take a deep breath but that only made him hyperventilate worse. He just couldn't stop thinking of his past. Of the things he's done.

 _Oh God_ , he thought to himself, _the things I've done. Helen and Gabe wouldn't even hesitate to kick my sorry ass to the curb. And oh God what if Lukas found out. Fuck then he'd hate me even more than he does_ , he thought, only making himself more upset. That's when the tears really started flowing.

He placed his elbows on the table and let his head rest in his hands so that his eyes were covered. He tried once again to breathe in deeply but only began to choke and cough uncontrollably, making himself feel sick.

"Jesus Christ, I need to stop." He whispered to himself realizing he was soon going to be sick if he didn't calm himself down. But he couldn't. He just kept thinking of all the things he'd done.

 _Those people. What they did to me. What I let them do to me. But I needed the money, we were going to starve and I couldn't just let my mom_ \- His rambling thoughts were interrupted by a text notification from his phone.

He reached into the pocket of his black hoodie and grabbed his phone. Just by looking at his lockscreen he could tell it was Lukas who texted him and he let out a shaky breath. He clenched his hands in tight fist as he fought the urge to throw up and closed his eyes.

With shaky fingers he unlocked his phone and went to Messages. He clicked on his chat with Lukas and his heart sank as he read the newest texts.

**Lukas: Can we hang today???**

**Lukas: Thinking of you...**

He quickly ran to the bathroom and was hunched over the toilet within seconds. He threw up with such force that he had to hold onto the sides of the toilet bowl to keep from collapsing on the floor completely. After finishing he scooted away from the toilet and let his back rest against the wall. He pulled his knees to his chest and let himself break down. He sobbed silently as he buried his head between his knees.

_I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible fucking person. I'm a fucking monster. I'm disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I deserve all the shit that comes my way... all of it._

He slowly got up off the floor and wobbled slightly as he did. He firmly placed his hands on the side of the sink and braced his body against it as he stared himself down in the mirror.

 _Christ, I'm such a fucking wimp_ , he thought. _Can't believe I'm crying over stupid shit from the past like this. I just need to stop thinking so hard. And then I can stop freaking out. I just need it to be dark for a second and then I can figure everything out. God, that's all I want, for it to be dark for a while. I just want it all to end. I need it all to end._

At that thought he looked up at himself in the mirror and took a sharp breath in. He realized that his thoughts weren't okay, he wasn't stupid or anything. But he knew that he wasn't exactly okay either so he kept those terrifying thoughts to himself.

He knew he shouldn't think those things but he also knew he shouldn't have done the things he'd done. Shouldn't be the way he is.

_I know I shouldn't think those things, but I also know I shouldn't have done the things I've done. And I know I shouldn't be the way I am. I shouldn't even be alive an-_

He stopped his thoughts abruptly as he heard the sound of Helen and Gabe returning back home from running errands in town. He could hear their giggling and playful banter from inside the house and they quickly snapped him out of his dark thoughts.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit._

He quickly splashed his face with some water and ran out into the kitchen to get rid of any evidence of what had just occurred. He turned off the faucet and pushed the chair into the table, making it look exactly as Helen and Gabe left it. Just as he heard the front door unlocking he ran to his room and put on his headphones.

"Phillip! We're home!" Helen yelled. "And don't worry about getting food poisoning, we bought Chinese!" Gabe yelled, laughing as Helen told him to shut up.

Phillip lips pulled into a small smile as he heard the couple begin to argue over Helen's cooking. But he was soon thinking of more somber things.

_I don't deserve this... This nice and loving family. So many kids in the system and somehow I end up here. There are so many kids more deserving. Kids who've done less than I ha-_

"Phillip?" Helen asked as she poked her head into his doorway. "There's food ready, if you're hungry." He nodded and took out his headphones and made an effort to look like he was coming in a hurry. Satisfied, Helen left and returned back to Gabe.

Once she was gone, Phillip scooted to the edge of the bed and sat there for a moment. He thought about how he liked the feeling in his stomach after throwing up. How his stomach now felt empty, pure, and clean. The opposite of him. He looked down at his hands and saw that there were four small crescent shaped cuts on his hand that were bleeding.

_Must've done it to myself when I was clenching my fist or something._

Curious, he harshly poked one of the small cuts on his palm. He winced and took in a sharp breath in but let his finger stay there and apply more pressure for the moment. It felt bad but it also felt so damn good. It hurt but it was like he was finally getting some what he deserved.

"Phillip!!" He heard Gabe and Helen yell and was quickly snapped out of his thoughts once again. He rushed to the kitchen, but not before smiling to himself as he squeezed his hand again into a tight fist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay sooo I hope you liked that! Please leave any comments or suggestions because I'm always trying to improve my work! I know it's not the best so thanks so much for even reading it! Love y'all!


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